but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
