An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
