My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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