They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
