don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
