I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
