This dress was meant to end up on your floor
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
