I think I died a long time ago.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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