My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize