Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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