you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
