life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
