What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
