Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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