Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
