I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
