Screwed.edu
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
i need some magic done to my vagina
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