Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
