Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
