1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
