My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
