her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
