i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize