dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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