They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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