Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
