Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
