I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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