i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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