i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
