I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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