Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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