pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
