Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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