As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
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