Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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