Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
