how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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