enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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