To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
