U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
