you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
