that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
