Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
