i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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