I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
