You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize