A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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