Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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