I'm eating all of the evidence.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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