Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
