Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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