1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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