did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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