Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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