I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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