i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
