were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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