she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
