in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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