I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
