I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I came so hard my ears popped.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
